Holding Onto Hope

(These beautiful lines were stenciled on the sidewalk, near where I parked my car, before meeting with a new neurologist.)

In one week, on two consecutive days, I had two very different medical experiences.

Day One: A follow-up with my rheumatologist. An appointment to “strategize” (his word) because after all my tests, he had no definitive answers or explanations to offer me. It’s been a lot of tests, even during the pandemic. A muscle biopsy, meetings with specialists, vials of blood (17 at one visit!), an MRI.

All these tests have ruled out a lot of really bad possible diagnoses. No red flags have been waved. And yet, we still don’t know why – why the pain has spread in my left leg.

I keep going to these appointments, I keep meeting with new doctors (a neurologist and a hematologist within the last few months) for two reasons. I remain hopeful that one day, someone will reach an “Aha moment,” something that gives us some answers, and most importantly, gives me some pain relief. But I also go to these appointments out of fear. Fear that my autoimmune disease is worsening. And when there’s something bad going on in your body, usually, the sooner it’s found, the sooner it’s caught, the better the prognosis. 

And then, Day Two: I received my first dose of the Pfizer vaccination! Here in California I qualified, not because of my age, but because of my underlying health condition. And all I can do is marvel at it all. In one year’s time, this horrific pandemic changed our planet, took the lives of over half a million souls in our country alone. And yet, in one year’s time, a vaccine was developed, tested, and is being rolled out in increasing numbers. 

And now I’m waiting. Waiting to meet with another specialist. Waiting for my second vaccination dose.

Which brings me back to hope.

2 thoughts on “Holding Onto Hope

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