The Black Friend

I was an elementary school teacher for twelve years. There’s an unfortunate pattern I noticed – the parents you most want to speak with, the students you most want to help – are, often, the ones you can’t reach.

Literally, can’t reach. Parents don’t return phone calls. They don’t show up to Back-to-School Night or attend parent conferences. And it’s not for lack of trying. I used to start my conferences early in the morning, stay late in the afternoon, do everything I could to work around the schedules of the families of my students. After Back-to-School Night, I even sent home a stapled package of all the handouts I had presented the night before, and a note inviting families to come and visit the classroom at a more convenient time.

I kept thinking about all that when I read Frederick Joseph’s powerful book The Black Friend: On Being a Better White Person.

I don’t think I’m the target audience except that I am a white person. My husband is Black. Our son is bi-racial. Yet I acknowledge my own lack of information, lack of understanding. Just because my husband is Black doesn’t mean I have nothing to learn. 

So I read the book. At times it was heartbreaking. At times I just couldn’t believe the things Mr. Joseph heard and experienced. The book is written in a rather conversational style and each chapter ends with a discussion the author had with a different artist or activist.  

The people who most need to read this book, unfortunately, probably won’t.

However, that’s why this book, this powerful tool, should be used in classrooms (middle school and up). 

The problems don’t just go away. The wrongs don’t just get righted. 

They need to be confronted. 

In Possession of the ‘Enough Stuff’

Even if I had pursued my first dream, if I had tried to become a United States astronaut, I wouldn’t have succeeded. Because now I know the truth. Apparently I’m claustrophobic.”

“The first time I had an MRI, I was completely unprepared for it. I thought an MRI would just be a fancy X-ray. Instead, I felt as if I was being swallowed up by a massive machine that slid me inside and wouldn’t let me back out. It was loud, it vibrated, and I felt like the whole thing was a very elaborate plan to see how long it would take until I cracked and pushed the panic button. (I kept it firmly in my grip, my thumb gently hovering above the button. Just in case. And to my credit, I’ve never used it.)”

On the surface you might not think my childhood dream of becoming an astronaut and my current identity as a chronic illness patient have anything in common.

But they do.

I’m proud to share my essay, “In Possession of the Enough Stuff,” has been published in SWFP Quarterly Special Issue 26. You can click here to read the essay in its entirety.

And, fun bonus! On Sunday, August 15th, Santa Fe Writers Project hosted an incredible reading on Zoom. I participated and read a portion of my essay. The whole reading was incredible, and I feel fortunate to have been a part of it. (If you’re pressed for time, I start reading at about 50 minutes in.)

I’ll Be Seeing You

I have a stack of Elizabeth Berg novels on my bookcase. Her non-fiction book, Escaping Into the Open: The Art of Writing True, is on my shelf as well. I have read it more than once, and it has multiple sticky notes in it.

Last year, her memoir I’ll Be Seeing You was published and it was part of my haul from my first in-person visit to a public library. (In case you missed it, you can read about it here.) 

Ms. Berg writes about her parents — their love, their marriage, their aging process, their need to move from a home they loved. 

It was an honest, beautiful, tender read. 

One she was hesitant to write and share with the public. 

“But all that’s happening with my parents now: Is it unfair to publish my thoughts about it, to make it available to anyone who cares to have a look? Would I want someone writing about me losing my facilities? The answer is I don’t know. But I think if it served a larger purpose, I wouldn’t mind.” 

This week, I’d like to share just a few passages that moved me:

“Mostly, I feel grateful to be the age that I am now. You lose some things, growing older, but you gain other, more important things:  tolerance, gratitude, perspective, the unexpected pleasure in doing things more slowly. It’s not a bad trade, except that you are increasingly aware that your number will be up sooner rather than later.”  

“But the women in my group are writers, with an innate understanding of what art demands, requires, and does. They, too, have a reflexive need to document everything that happens to them or to others close to them, one way or another.”

“Yes, life is a minefield at any age. Sometimes we feel pretty certain that we know what’s coming. But really, we never do. We just walk on. We have to. If we’re smart, we count our blessings between the darker surprises. And hope for a fair balance. When I look at my parents’ lives, I know they were lucky. And still are.”

Lost and Found

I lost my teaching career. Teaching was more than my job; it was my passion. My identity. However, the pain and fatigue from my autoimmune disease (Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease) made it necessary for me to ‘retire due to a disability.’

I found my second career, as a writer. Since I was no longer teaching full-time, I could write full-time. Personal essays I submit to literary journals and anthologies. Blog posts for my personal website. Assignments as a regularly contributing writer for a popular family-oriented website, MomsLA.com.”

My personal essay, “Lost and Found,” is a series of reflections — about what I have lost as a direct cause of my autoimmune disease and what I have found as a result. It’s a way of acknowledging the ways I have changed, the ways my life has changed. 

Lost and Found,” was recently published in the Summer 2021 issue of Breath and Shadow. You can click here to read the essay in its entirety.