Last week, I saw my rheumatologist for my three-month check-in appointment.
You’d think by now that I wouldn’t be surprised or disappointed by the way these appointments tend to go.
But I am.
I’m still holding out hope that one day, at one appointment, a doctor will look me in the eyes and recognize my daily experience and my effort, as I navigate my life with a chronic illness causing chronic pain.
This fantasy doctor will listen to me, really listen, when I explain that my days are challenging. That my family has noticed changes in me, and the truth is, my physical capabilities are not what they were, even just a couple of years ago. This doctor will acknowledge my tears as I explain how everyday tasks, like getting in and out of the car or going grocery shopping, are no longer things I can easily do.
This fantasy doctor will look at me and say:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I realize it’s frustrating, not knowing how you’ll feel when you wake up each morning.”
“I know you’re trying to be the best version of yourself for your family.”
“Good for you for keeping up with your physical therapy exercises at home.”
“It’s fantastic that you continue to move your body and go on your daily walks.”
“I can see you’re trying to implement small changes. That’s great.”
But that’s not what happened at last week’s appointment. Instead I sat on the exam table where my doctor proceeded to move and bend my leg in ways it doesn’t usually move or bend.
I left the office in more pain than I had when I arrived.
I dealt with high levels of pain for the next two days.
And in three months, I get to do it all over again.
WendyKennar.com 
It’s a slog to live with RA most of the time, isn’t it? I’m sorry you are feeling this way and know you are doing the best you can under adverse circumstances. If you don’t have the option for another rheumatologist, maybe there is a way to connect with someone else who understands. I did some cognitive behavioral therapy for a while to wrap my head around this chronic pain crap and it helped a lot. Keep on writing too!
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Thank you, Nancy, though I’m sorry you understand this so well. This is actually rheumatologist #3, and in the very beginning I found him to be the best listener I had ever encountered – for a doctor. I also have a wonderful therapist that I speak with regularly. I don’t know what I would do without her. Sending good thoughts, and writing vibes, your way!
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I suppose docs have their own personal stuff too! Maybe your rheum is tiring of the specialty but regardless, I hope you find the right treatment and care to support you always! I’m lucky to reclaim my health, mostly, through a clinical trial. Maybe there is something out there that fits you exactly, keep on with the search! Take a nap first though 😉
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I’m so sorry, Wendy. That sounds truly awful. Your doctor may not see or hear you, but I do. ((HUGS))
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Susan, thank you for your support. I appreciate it! Sending hugs to you!
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I’m so sorry, Wendy! It all sounds very challenging. The mental and physical strength you must summon to get through each day is extraordinary. You are extraordinary! Sending hugs xo
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Oh Maria, you are so sweet and very generous in your choice of words. I don’t know about “extraordinary,” though I appreciate the thought. Sending hugs to you as well!
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