The topic of this week’s blog post involves our June trip to Oahu. In case you missed any of my earlier posts about our trip, I’m including the titles here. Click on the titles and you’ll be taken directly to that post.

Defining Disability

The Love Simulation

I Am Who I Am

When we began researching our family trip to Oahu, a visit to Diamond Head was one of the “must see’s” that showed up on list after list.

“Hawaii’s most recognized landmark is known for its historic hiking trail, stunning coastal views, and military history.”

“The 0.8 mile hike from trailhead to the summit is steep and strenuous, gaining 560 feet as it ascends from the crater floor.”

It didn’t take a lot of reading to realize a visit to Diamond Head isn’t easy for anyone, even someone in the best of health. Visiting Diamond Head required a “strenuous hike,” two words that don’t automatically come to mind when thinking of “things Wendy should do while on vacation.” 

My husband was the first to say we should skip it. Our seventeen-year-old son said he’d like to see it if possible. And, I said, “Of course we’ll go.”

When I told one of my closest friends about our upcoming trip and asked if she had any recommendations, she searched her phone, looking through the photos she had taken when last on Oahu. 

“There’s Diamond Head, but you’re not doing that,” she said.

“We already have reservations,” I said.

“Wendy…” she said. You could hear the rest of the unspoken sentence in just that one word. Wendy, what in the hell are you thinking? 

As I had explained to my husband and son, I wanted to see and do as much as I physically could. The truth is during the last couple of years my physical health has deteriorated. I am not as physically strong as I was. I own, and occasionally use, a wheelchair. Which is why, when it came to this trip, I wanted to see and do as much as possible, “while I still kind of can,” I told my family. 

We had reservations for Friday, June 13th. Maybe that was a sign.

I definitely should have paid more attention to the ambulance and helicopter we saw in the grassy field adjacent to the parking lot. 

“Maybe it’s for some sort of training exercise,” I said as I locked our rental car and double-checked my handicap placard hung from the rearview mirror. 

It wasn’t. 

Later in our visit, we heard the helicopter had been used for a rescue. 

We had our hats, our sunscreen, our bug spray, and water. We were ready. 

“Just take your time,” my husband said. 

I started off walking slowly, my usual speed. 

We stopped periodically to wipe the perspiration from our faces and to take sips of water. At times there was a handrail to hold onto. At times there was a bit of shade. Other times there were neither of those things. 

My husband repeatedly reminded me we could stop and turn back at any point. 

“Nope. I want to go as far as I can,” I said. Stubbornly, or stupidly, depending on your perspective.

The truth is I was worried and scared. About the steepness and the stairs I knew were soon to come. I didn’t know if my legs were strong enough. I worried this one outing would negatively impact the rest of our trip. (Remember it was Friday, June 13th. We weren’t flying back home until the following week, on Thursday, June 19th.)

Ultimately, it wasn’t my legs that forced made me stop; it was heat exhaustion.

I’ve always been sensitive to the heat. (Ask my dad to tell you about the infamous Dodger game we attended many years ago.)

But this time, it all kind of happened at once. I was over-heating. Dizzy. Nauseous. 

We found a spot, a ledge where I could plop. My husband dug in his backpack, producing a towel from the hotel. It felt like a magic trick. I was having a hard time concentrating, and my mind couldn’t make sense of how the towel had just appeared right when I needed it. (My husband had smartly packed the towel earlier that morning, without me knowing, without making a big deal out of it.) I turned my head, certain I was about to vomit, and trying my best to be as quiet and private as I could. 

Another woman sat nearby on the same rocky ledge. She was chatty, telling others who paused for a drink of water or to take a picture that she had a bad ankle. 

“I’m pretty proud I made it this far,” she said. 

Her husband had gone on ahead and would take pictures from the summit. She appeared so calm. So friendly, too, asking how I was doing and offering me anti-nausea pills. 

Why couldn’t I accept my physical limitations like this woman had? Why, instead, did I feel like I was letting down my son? Why did I feel weak and inept? Why did I feel like a failure? 

I was so quick to discount all I had done, how far I had gotten. (We stopped near a sign that read Audio Tour 9.) 

I have been living with this illness for fifteen years, and I still haven’t figured it all out, and I’m not sure I ever will. 

When am I persistent and determined? 

And when am I foolish and stupid to try and push through?

On the way back down the trail, we once again came across the woman with the bad ankle. 

“You’re looking a lot better,” she said. I thanked her for her kindness. 

I didn’t tell her I aspired to be more like her — accepting of her body’s limitations, content with her effort, satisfied with her experience.