The Lives We Actually Have

The Lives We Actually Have

Posted on by Wendy Kennar

Last week I wrote a personal essay for a submissions call. The prompt was New Year-related — about starting a new project, developing new habits, of making plans to live your dream life.

That last one — making plans to live your dream life — was the one that hurt the most. 

Because that doesn’t apply to those of us living with a chronic illness. 

Because no one dreams of a life with a forever-illness.

No one aspires to live each day with an incurable illness. 

And yet, that is my life. 

And though it isn’t what I dreamed of or what I would have chosen, it is my reality. And mixed in with the medications and heating pads, doctors appointments and physical therapy sessions are also moments of beauty and calm, of belonging and wonder, of a glorious full moon and a sink that isn’t draining.

Which brings me to the book The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie.

You may remember that I’m a Kate Bowler fan. I wrote about her book Everything Happens For a Reason (And Other Lies I’ve Loved) back in March 2023. And I wrote about her book No Cure For Being Human (And Other Truths I Need to Hear) back in April 2022.

This book is different. The Lives We Actually Have is a collection of blessings. 

From the introduction:

“If we are very lucky, we have days lit up with fireworks. We have powerful moments of connection — to the world, to each other, and even to God — that dazzle us. Suddenly, beauty and possibility are everywhere. We thought we were living any old day, but no. We find ourselves amazed by the truths we didn’t set out to learn.”

“Contrary to most of the advice of the self-help and wellness industry, our days are not simply a reflection of our choices. We are not a tally sheet of all our yes and no decisions. We like to imagine that we are built out of every small choice we made.”

“We need a language of acknowledgment for the lives we have, not simply the lives we wish for. We need a spiritual account of time that is rich enough to name the breadth of our experience. Good. Bad. Difficult. Sublime. Mundane.”

“When I bless the actual days I am living, I suddenly find I have a great deal more to say that is honest. I am mourning. I am bored. I am exhausted. I am apathetic. I discover that I am freed from the need to declare everything #blessed. Good or bad, I don’t have to wait to say something spiritually true. I can simply bless it all instead.”

The book is a special collection, with some blessings that really touched me and others not-so-much. 

Dear readers, have any of you read this book? Was there a particular blessing that most touched you/moved you/comforted you? Feel free to share it in the comments.

Here’s a part of just one of the blessings that spoke to me:

Please note: I am including a link to buy the book that I’m highlighting this week. If you use my link, I do make a small commission on your purchase at no additional cost to you. I am working with Bookshop.org which also sends a portion of the profit to support local, independent bookstores.

Yes, And

Posted on by Wendy Kennar

Last week was a time of big emotions. A lot happened in my world and with it came a lot of mixed feelings.

My mom celebrated her 79th birthday on the same day my son celebrated his 16th birthday.

A former kindergarten student, a child I taught during my first year of teaching, looked me up online, found my website, and reached out with an email that made me cry. She wrote, “I wanted to thank you for being a great teacher and setting a solid foundation for my education.” Did I mention she’s now a teacher?

We had a family outing to The Huntington Library, Art Museum, and Botanical Gardens. A place we hadn’t visited since March 2020, a week before the world shut down because of the coronavirus. Only this time we visited with me in my wheelchair.

Our former next door neighbor, now 89 years old, remembered my son’s sixteenth birthday and called to offer birthday wishes. 

So, it’s been a lot. 

Something I have learned, through the work with my therapist and my years living with my autoimmune disease, is that it’s possible to feel two very different emotions at the same time. In fact, when you live with chronic illness, it happens quite a lot. At least to me.

I am currently reading The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie. I try to read one blessing a day, though, I admit I sometimes forget and miss a day (or two).

This week, I’d like to share a bit of Kate Bowler’s blessing, “For Stretching Your Heart,” which I think explains these mixed emotions so well:

“Yes, I have so much to be thankful for,
and this hasn’t turned out like I thought it would.
Yes, I feel moments of joy,
and I have lost more than I could live without.
Yes, I want to make the most of today,
and my body keeps breaking.
Yes, I am hopeful, and this is daunting.
Yes, I am trying to be brave, and I feel so afraid.”

Because the truth is — yes, things could be worse, and things could be better.

Please note: I am including a link to buy the book that I’m highlighting this week. If you use my link, I do make a small commission on your purchase at no additional cost to you. I am working with Bookshop.org which also sends a portion of the profit to support local, independent bookstores.