Eleven years ago, my personal essay “Do What You Need To Do” was published in the anthology Lessons From My Parents:100 Shared Moments that Changed Our Lives. I wrote about the example my parents set for me, the idea that sometimes you just have to suck it up, do the hard thing, keep going. 

That’s largely how I have lived my life. Doing the hard thing whenever I have to in order to achieve my goal — whether it was commuting on public buses for most of my college years (a roundtrip commute that took 3.5-4 hours a day, on six buses a day) or working as a kindergarten teacher during the day with an emergency teaching credential and taking online classes at night to earn my full teaching credential. 

It’s pretty much how I go about my day. Things need to be done. I just need to do them. 

Except, I’ve come to the slow realization that I just don’t think I can keep doing that. 

Because — I am so tired. 

I am tired of waking up each morning, feeling unrested. Sticking my feet into my slippers as the alarm goes off, wondering how I’m going to do it. How I’m going to wake up, get dressed, make my son his breakfast, take him to school, and function throughout the day.

I am tired of not reading as much as I’d like to each day. Which as I write that sentence, I realize it’s not completely accurate. I do read a lot each day. I read emails and text messages, newsletters and first drafts. I just don’t always take a half hour and sit and read my book. Sometimes it’s because I’m in pain, and I can’t get comfortable to sit for an extended period of time and lose myself in the words on the page. Sometimes it’s because I feel there’s too much work that needs to be done for me to take a break and read. When I read in bed shortly before I turn off my bedside lamp for sleep, I inevitably start to doze, and the paperback book slips from my fingers and startles me as it falls against me. (One of the reasons why I generally prefer paperbacks to hardcovers.)

I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror and not fully recognizing the woman looking back. I take stock of the physical changes — hair loss, weight gain, swollen ankles — and realize I have no idea which of my ailments is contributing to each symptom. For example, the hair loss I’m noticing could be due to one of my medications, or my longer hair, or menopause. 

I am tired of clicking on my inbox and feeling so far behind in reading my emails. How did I become someone with three hundred unread emails? Seemingly overnight, I have multiple Substack notifications, emails asking for donations for Unicef, Save the Children, and Make-a-Wish Foundation, and emails regarding the latest sale at Bath and Body Works. I want to support other writers and read their newsletters, I want to contribute  funds to worthwhile organizations, and I want to buy candles when they’re on sale. But it’s so much. 

I am tired of feeling like I’ll never catch up. The list I keep of podcasts I want to listen to (Moms Don’t Have Time to Read Books with Zibby (Owens), Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens, Write-Minded with Brooke Warner) just keeps growing. I listen to one episode over the course of a couple of days while I do my physical therapy stretches and exercises, but in that time, I have added another two podcasts to the list. I sit on the floor in my writing room, looking at all the un-read books I have, just waiting for me, and realize this cubby of mine is almost completely out of space. And yet, I came home with another novel I picked up at the Little Free Library I passed yesterday.

I am tired of waiting. Waiting in line at CVS, waiting on hold to speak to a representative regarding my medical insurance, waiting to speak with someone in my doctor’s office to schedule my next appointment. 

I am tired of the bottles of pills on my kitchen counter. Lining up the bottles based on when I take them — breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner. Keeping track of refills, making sure I have enough to get me through the next several days until the law says CVS can refill my pain medication. Tilting my head back so the large calcium supplement, the most recent addition to my daily pills, will slip down. 

I am tired of heating pads and ice packs. I am tired of propping my left leg up on a pillow. 

I am tired of being in pain. Every. Single. Day.

I am tired. 

Friends, I know it’s not just me. I know many of you reading this post have your own laundry list of illnesses, daily stressors, work-related tasks that you’re tired of also. 

What do you do when it continues to build and you feel like you’re standing in quicksand and being swallowed up by it all? 

Please note: I am including a link to buy the book that I’m highlighting this week. If you use my link, I do make a small commission on your purchase at no additional cost to you. I am working with Bookshop.org which also sends a portion of the profit to support local, independent bookstores.